deja vu

ang mga bagay sa buhay, may mga pagkakataong maulit muli, deja vu ika nga, parang nakita ko na tong pangyayaring to dati, AT SAWA NA AKO. OO, sawa na ako sa mga paulit ulit na pagkakamali na nakokonekta sa araw araw kong ginagawa. ilang beses nang sinabi, hanggang ngayon ginagawa parin, wala halos pinagbago, simpleng bagay lang, hindi naman ikamamatay pero bakit ang hirap baguhin? wala akong ibang mapagsabihan kaya dito ko na lamang ilalabas ang sama ng loob ko. matagal ko nang iniipit at baka sumabog na sa kaiipit ko. minsan nawawalan na ako ng pasensya. sobrang badtrip. hindi ko ma explain ang nararamdaman ko pero kulang pa na maisulat ko lang dito. hindi ako satisfied at malamang bukas dala ko parin to sa dibdib ko. minsan tanong ko bakit ba may mga taong ganito? at ang masama pa e konektado sila sa buhay ko. pwede namang sa iba mangyari pero bakit ganun? ayoko pa naman matulog ng may sama ng loob, binabangungot ako at masama daw, hindi mararating ang nirvana. pero hanggang ngayon, kahit binuhos ko na sa freestyle online ang stress ko, parang nag o-auto regenerate lang ang galit na nararamdaman ko. BADTRIP talaga. kelan naman kaya matatapos tong deja vu na to? pag patay na ako? malamang... ako lang siguro nakaisip nito. minsan naiisip ko nalang na wakasan nalang lahat, pero hindi yun ang pinakamagandang paraan. may mas lohikal at siyentipikong paraan pang pwedeng gawin.

i can think a lot of alternative ways to get rid of this effin' thing happening to me. but it all results to nothing. there is no losing, it's either win or learn. i know i learn a lot from my mistakes... i don't know if others feel the same, same crap every now and then. i feel like smoking, but it's raining outside. i don't wanna get wet, neither does my cigarettes. sometimes i believe that smoking eases my stress, takes away the pain and substitutes with a little bit of that "sedated feeling". just thinking of smoking makes me wanna "go, do it!"... then i'm going.

well, i'm back. and as promised, none of my cigarettes got wet, but i did.
it was quite an adventure, it was raining and the streets are flooded up to my ankles. i was only wearing my shirt and boxers, with an umbrella on the right and on the left, a 5 peso coin and keys. it was a hefty 10 minute walk. the only store that's open on the other end of the street. i bought 2 sticks and a candy. lighted up my first one and unwrapped the candy. it's fascinating, every hit, every exhale... gets rid of the damn things inside my mind.

i got home and washed my feet, and then finishing the last millimeters of the cigarette. it was fun while it lasted. going back to my notebook with a little feeling of dizziness. i'm not sure though if i'll be lighting up the other one. it makes me calm, takes my mind out of my worries. now on my very seat, my mind stopped thinking. writing the last 2 sentences is a drag for me. now i really can't think of anything anymore... i think it's time for bed. but then again, i still have 1 stick left...